PINWORMS- the un-itchable itch

i have a friend who used to chew her nails all of the time. i used to tell her what my mother told me, "you're going to get pinworms if you keep feasting on your nails like that."

we used to work at direct care homes, taking care of "mentally challenged" persons. we'd get my clients and her clients together to have tardacues with all of them together. not a good place to be chewing your hands.

one day, i get a phone call.
"hey, does your ass ever itch?"
"sure my ass itches sometimes."
"no, i mean really itch."
"well, yeah, sure."
"no, i mean your ASS-HOLE"
"UM.no. not really. i bet you finally caught pinworms."
"nooooo. how do you know?"
"you have to sneak up on them with a flashlight at night, when your ass starts itching, and you can see them hanging out by your asshole crawling around."
"are you serious?"
"that's what i heard."

and so on and so fourth.

she told her mother, and she asked her mother to call the doctor and tell him that her ass was itching like nuts, but not to tell him that it was HER ass. of course, her mother begins the conversation, "dr. so and so, so and so's rectum has been itching something fierce, and i think she has pinworms." so, the dr. prescribed some DDT or something to that effect, and voila! no more itch. i have a hunch, it was indeed pinworms.

needless to say, my friend doesn't chew her nails anymore. i hear pinworms are an itch that can't be scratched. right on your asshole. ouch.

i'm laughing about my friend's parasites. i actually had bugs once. i had this rash on my hand on the same day i had a date with this guy. i don't remember much of the date, but it ended with a make out session, and that was it. this rash on my hand was so bad, i remember itching it while i was kissing him. of course, i wasn't really into it, but i tried to remain interactive, by touching his face, running fingers through his hair, and holding his hand.

whaddayaknow. my rash got worse, and i finally went to the doctor. i had scabies. my mother used to do foster care, and some new foster children were in our house. apparently, the rash on their faces wasn't from dirt. it was bugs. it starts on your hands, and spreads to your ass, or vice versa. it's the perfect way for bugs to spread. then it just goes from there. everywhere. itching all of the time. it was horrible.

i wonder if that's why i never heard from that guy again. i didn't like him much, but the thought of him scratching his ass violently makes me laugh out loud, even ten years later.

i'm still losing weight

someplace in the archives, i mentioned that i turned into a fat ass after i have had my last two children. i spent from may 2002 to jan 2005 sitting on the couch breastfeeding, so gaining weight is easy to do.

i'm only 5'3", so last december i was clocking the scales at 190 lbs! holy hell, i couldn't believe my eyes! if i had gotten any bigger, i'd have to go to a feed store to use their grain scale.

today, i hopped on the scale and i'm at 155, still pleasantly plump or well fed, however you'd like to put it, (politely), in essence, still a fat ass, but getting smaller.

anyone that tells you that breastfeeding just melts the pounds off of you is full of shit. breastfeeding while doing the dishes is possible, until the baby is over a certain amount of poundage. then you have to sit. i would like to know anyone who actually sat and fed their baby for ten or fifteen minutes at a time, mine were surgically attached to my nipple forever. i was indeed, the human pacifier.

alas, now i have national geographic boobs. i sent shots to them, but they asked me if i had a distended abdomen, and had worms. i said no, and was immediately rejected. although i have seriously considered swallowing a tape worm to speed up my weight loss. it's just picking one out of another animal's shit that stops me. that and who knows, i'd start eating grass out of the yard, and throwing up unexpectedly.

i was never shy about nursing the babies in front of anyone, least of all in my own home. my uncle came over once, and just exclaimed, "holy shit. your breast is bigger than her head. she looks afraid!" a real morale booster.

which, i never gave it much thought until he said that, but yes, my breast was in fact, bigger than the baby's head.

to boot, i do have big boobs, add some lactation into that formula and you have uniboob while breastfeeding. no doubt, a man designed nursing bras, to which i attribute most of my stretch marks. (war wounds.) somebody caught onto this and finally invented a nursing bra with underwires. they should just throw in a free roll of duct tape. what kills me, is a bra in this size, and they have the nerve to put in padding. what the hell for. for a night out? the "nursing push-up bra?" i can see the neon lights flashing now, "tonite--lactating ladies." ewwww.

Emmett Till

I had never heard of Emmett Till until I read a book called "Wolf Whistle" when I was at Penn State. The author (Lewis Nordan) paid a visit to our class, and read excerpts. One of the most disturbing things about this is that the lynchers, from what I remember, chained or tied an air conditioner around this boy's neck, and threw him in a river. In the book, obviously making fun of white America, the conversation between two racists pokes fun, something to the effect, "That boy tried to swim across the river with a fan around his neck." Talk about sick humor. Still, I laughed when I read it. It seems like sick irony that somebody would even dare to suggest such a thing. (I'm not talking about the author of the story--rather, how something like murder could get swept under the rug for so long--and rationalized in this way.)

How sad. Just google "Emmett Till." I think it's shocking.

One thing that pisses me off is that Lewis Nordan signed my book, and my fucking dog chewed it. The dog did meet uncertain death, my husband accidentally ran her over. Should I say, the dog ran under the tire. It was winter, and the ground was solid. We couldn't dig a hole, so my husband gave her a "Lord of the Rings" burial, and sent her down a river too. However, she didn't have a fan around her neck.

hilary duff made me do it

today, i took my 10 year old daughter to see hilary duff. what i thought would be chinese water torture, was actually pretty fun. my daughter was so excited, she made posters, and of course when you see your child excited, you get excited too. i cheered, i yelled, i jumped. "hil-a-ry, hil-a-ry." and, the most frightening part was i knew the words to the songs too, because my daughter plays them constantly so even the neighbors can hear them i'm sure. i saw these straight faced hilary look alike mothers, but they weren't jumping around at all. what fun is that? your mother says she'll take you to a hilary duff concert, and she tries to play the cool teenager again. newsflash--too late. it reminds me of that song, "she was gonna shake her ass, on the hood of whitesnake's car...."

we went to eatin' park for a bite afterwards, (it was late, not my choice of food.) and there were these scuzzy girls in front of us waiting, trashing hilary duff. i looked at my dauther, and saw her ear to ear smile go straight. i looked at the scuzzy teen, and told her to "shut up." she did, and put two and two together, plus the "lizzy mcguire" dress that my daughter had on, and made a genius deduction. (freaking bitch.)

thank you hilary duff. however, we did wait outside, and since i paid ten bucks for a poster, and twenty for a tee shirt, i wish i could've gotten one of them signed. she walked and waved, but never came close enough to my daughter. nuts. next year, or maybe on the "greatest hits" tour.

thank allah it's raining

i thought i had moved to the desert for a while there, finally, it's raining. i was kind of hoping for a tornado to take out my neighbor's trailer, (since they are tornado magnets) but then my property value would go up.

it's been so dry here. what's really wonderful is that it didn't cool a thing off, and now it's humid as hell. i've been running around in bra and shorts for days now, thank god the only people that stop here on a saturday are jehovah's witnesses.

don't get me started with those bible beaters.

i wonder if any of them sell avon as a backup in case the "end-of-the-world-do-you-want-to-live-in-paradise-literature" falls through. That, or they could sell kirby vacums. My brother used to sell Kirby's and actually did well at it. he told me that the gazing balls that people have in their yards are a dead giveaway. everytime they saw one in a yard and stopped there, they sold one. i wonder what the psychology behind that is.

one funny story is this:

my mother had passed away just a couple months before my brother found his new career. he came to visit and practice his kirby demonstration. he went to my father's bed and sucked all of the hair, skin flakes, you name it, and then he dumped it on the floor. my first reaction was to run to the pile, "mom! is that you? look guys, we can have her cloned." which i thought was pretty funny, and i was suprised, even my dad laughed. i could see that becoming problematic though, if there was some dog dna or something, and you cloned it, you'd wind up with a "The Fly"-like horror story.

aliens need new methods.

well, i'm going to stick with the global warming shit. i like it. it makes us sound like we're living on the edge. i did see "war of the worlds" though, and i would like to think that alien invasion will be our ultimate demise.

apparently though, the aliens have already made contact with a select few, i would like to know why on earth they don't abduct say, brad pitt, or a senator or something. it's always some fucking hilljack in idaho, who disappears, and comes home telling the tale of being anally probed by aliens. while this could make sense, i dare to pose the question; if they have the technology to travel light years, why on earth would they have to shove something up your ass to examine you? even bones on star trek had scanning technology, and now even us, on planet earth, have cat scans. maybe we should share that technology, it would save a lot of farmers in BFE from having sore asses after an abduction.

dangit. i got a fan club

i recieved this email in my box today. this guy has two blogs,

http://lifeofanadventurer.blogspot.com/ and yet another,

http://matwellworld.blogspot.com/. (Go crazy and click those links. )

Here is the copy of the email he sent me.

Read on, and feel free to comment at will!
(Oh, by the way, I think he has Asperger's Syndrome too. I notice his redundancy and self serving language. That, or he's a sociopath. Let's all check out the DSM IV and come up with our own diagnosis for him.) Apparently he must be a pretty important person though, he's been on NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. HUH! He asked ME if I need a writer. The nerve.
http://matwellworld.blogspot.com/2005/04/global-warming-is-melting-common-sense.html

Just one more thing, and this is an open question, "ARE MEN'S CARS REALLY AN EXTENSION OF THEIR PENIS, TO OVERCOMPENSATE FOR THEIR MILLIMETER PETER PECKERS?" --answer at will.

The MatWorld View-- Politics As It Should Be
The political thoughts and ideas of a Reagan era conservative. With a graduate degree in Political Science, and having worked in politics, PR, Nascar and Hollywood I have experienced life from many sides. These various worlds have led to my conclusions on a number of issues, many of which will be new and angering to those of you who follow the PC crowd. This is a Politically-Correct free zone and my thinking is common sense, not mob mentality. Email me at CEPAN@aol.com if you need a writer!

Monday, April 25, 2005
Global Warming Is Melting Common Sense
What did I do for Earth Day?

I drove my 8 cylinder Trans AM at high speeds burning as much fossil fuel as I could because I love fast cars.

See? I am honest about the environment. It exists for me and the rest of humanity.

If only the Environmentalists could be as honest.

If they could then they would admit that biggest fraud being promoted around the world is "Global Warming".

No proof exists of global warming. Just faulty computer models being pushed by extremist environmental groups.

No truth exists to the scare mongering. Only 100 years of temperature data exists and there is no clear result from these and the majority of climate scientists question the reality of global warming.

No reality exists for the environmentalists that are pushing this junk science on us.
Satellite data actually shows a cooling trend for the last 50 years.

We can't predict the weather for next month, yet these people think they can predict the weather 100 years from now? What arrogance. What stupidity.

Why then the massive push on Global warming?

Because this is the biggest transfer of wealth from one political group to another since the Tobacco Settlement in the 1990's. That was a transfer of billions of dollars from the Republican interest groups; cigarette companies, tobacco growers, free market groups and Southern politicians---to the Democratic interest groups; trial lawyers, anti-smoking groups, Nannystate Ralph Naderites and Northern politicians.

This time the transfer of wealth will be from the developed First World to the Third World nations.

Why? Because the poorer nations cannot clean up their own messes. They want the U.S. and other First World nations to pay for the cleanup of their environments. If global warming exists, and is caused by developed nations, then the First World nations, meaning the United States, pay for the results under Kyoto. There are already lawsuits filed by poor nations accusing the U.S. of causing their environmental problems.

We are constantly being told that the sky is falling and we must do something about global warming. While the people that tell us this fly around in private jets, drive Suvs and use just as much plastic and oil as you or I do. Hypocrisy true and simple. But then, consider the source- The extremist environmental groups.

The whacko environmentalists make a huge fortune pushing this agenda, scaring people and asking for donations to "Save the Planet"

Did you know these very same groups were screaming about a new ICE AGE in the 1970'S? When it never occurred, and the donations dried up, they all got together to push the new idea of "Global Warming". They deny they ever pushed the idea of a new ice age, but you can pull Time magazine form the era and see cover stories on the issue warning us that we were destroying the planet and heading toward a frozen sea of icebergs and death and destruction from lower temperatures. Funny how now they say the icebergs are melting, (another lie- the icebergs are actually growing in most areas), and they are now screaming that we are facing death and destruction from higher temperatures. I guess people donate more for heat than cold.

The whackos also push this agenda through the public schools. They brainwash the kids to believe this is happening. Then they tell the kids to go home and "teach" their parents about this lie. The media also repeats the lie over an over again because they are too lazy to research it on their own.

But if the environmentalists believe developed nations are the problem, then why does the Kyoto Treaty exclude China, the fastest growing user of fossil fuels and the world's biggest polluter? The Chi-Coms get a pass while the United States foots the bill.

Contrary to what you hear in the media, the United States pollutes less per capita than any other country. We also have cleaner air and water than any other nation. The United States also has the highest living standard and highest crop output than any other nation. There are also more trees today than there were at the founding of the country. (Did you know that less than 5% of the land in The United States is developed? Less than 5%!)

The global warming people hate the fact that the U.S. is powerful and that its population can drive what they want, eat what they want and use whatever technology they can invent.

Make no mistake. The environmentalists want a return to their perfect world of the American Indian. A simple lifestyle with horse manure and human waste running through the streets. If you don't believe this go to their web sites. They are so anti-technology and high living standard that it is a religion with them.

We keep hearing global warming is being caused by man. Total crap.
One volcano blast puts more pollution in the atmosphere than 90 years of cars have done.

The Global warming nuts believe everything is caused by man burning fossil fuels and creating higher temperatures. The whackos always believe man is the problem. But they ignore the fact that the earth is NOT fragile. It has survived before man, and will do so long after we are gone. It is the utmost in arrogance to think man could destroy the planet.

And that is the point.

The environmental movement is a fraud.

Global warming is a fraud.

The Kyoto Accords are a fraud.

Need proof ? As I write this it is April 25th and the Global Warming Society has canceled their meeting scheduled for today ---due to a foot of snow.

Oh, but they will try and explain that the snow is caused by global warming. Like they did with massive blizzard in 1996 here in Virginia. It never flies. People know a fraud when they see one.

Global Warming is just such a fraud. And deep down inside us, everyone knows it.

In Matworld common sense prevails on the environment, not junk science.

MTI

CEPAN@aol.com
posted by MTI at 1:05 PM




READ MY LATEST POLITICAL JAB AT LIBERALS----CLICK HERE!! http://matwellworld.blogspot.com/

NEVERLAND RANCH

I heard the funniest fucking thing a couple months ago, and I think it was Jay Leno, or some other late night talk show host. This isn't verbatim, but pretty close.

Did you hear that Michael Jackson is selling Neverland ranch to cover his debt?

Yeah, the Boston Archdiocese put in the first bid.

saw my old truckstop boss

My boss, the one with the horrible "Elmer" speech impediment, well, I saw him today. I was at a stoplight, and I saw his profile. Because I have Asperger's syndrome, it is very unlikely that I recognize many people if I don't see them on a regular basis. (This does come in handy, any crowd feels like a new crowd every time.)

This man left such an impression on me though, between his speech impediment, and his disgustingly suggestive comments, that I could pick him out of a crowd. It's nice to know that he is only a couple years older than me, and looks like total crap. It looks like he's eating the food there on a regular basis too, because I've actually seen thinner truckers. It's the buffet. It's loaded with msg and sugar. They must be paying him in food now.

Despite the fact that I hated my boss, I kind of miss working there. I loved pissing people off, but not before they totally irritated me.

Time for a truckstop tale.

There was this guy, a big trucker, who overheard me speaking french to my french canadian neighbors to the north. He says, "You should learn Chinese, those chinks are going to invade the country before you know it, and you'll have to learn it anyway." Well, I thought this was so ridiculous. After all, Erie, PA's sister city is Zibo, China. Maybe he's right, it's part of a sneaky ploy to infiltrate the country, and take over.

I told him "Welcome to the 21st century. Do you still have shell shock from some war or something? You're nuts. Why don't you get the buffet and keep eating so you're quiet in my section." Well, this totally pissed him off.

"Let me talk to your boss."

"I am the boss."

"You ain't. I wanna talk to your manager."

So, I went to get my boss, Elmer, and me and another girl switched sections.

" I would wike to tawk to you en de office," my boss says to me.

"What did you say to him?" He asks me.

"I dunno what I said. He just started to tell me that the Chinese were planning an invasion, and when I told him I didn't subscribe to his political opinion, he got mad and started swearing at me. "

"Oday. Just stay out of his section"

So, I go back to my section, and that fat fuck is smiling. Then he realizes that I'm not his waitress anymore.

"Oh, so you can't handle waiting on me because I'm telling the truth."

So I told him no, that he was nuts, and the next time I saw him, I would ask him how his Chinese was coming along. "You just wait and see, just wait," he was yelling at me as I walked away.

Well, I've yet to see a land invasion, and last I checked, I still speak English pretty well. Although, I wouldn't mind learning another language.

MY NEIGHBOR PLANTED TREES NEXT TO OUR SHIT MOUND

it is so hot


it's been pretty mellow here, for fun, we burn ants with magnifying glasses and walk around in the yard in our underwear. this has sparked a silent competition with my really fat neighbor, who, after seeing me in a bikini top, insists on wearing hers too. i am not a runway model by any means, however, my neighbor could scare a glass of water. she's got more cottage cheese on her body than the dairy section of the grocery store. her husband is also nuts.

i have dubbed him the lawnmower man, as he mows over ten acres of grass. he doesn't work, as something fell on his head at work, and judging by his behavior, it hit him pretty freaking hard. he carries a shotgun to his pond and shoots snapping turtles, because they keep eating the neighbor's cats. i also witnessed his son shooting a woodchuck, aka whistlepig, and then beating it repeatedly. afterwards, taking off his shirt and laying in the sun. this is ludicrous behavior. i would imagine him having sexual relations with his kill, putting his johnson in the eyesockets and such. ew.

i remember my first encounter with the neigbors, they were in their yard planting trees between us and them. i walked over to give them a friendly hello, and the woman, "cottage cheese" said to me, "well, we're not too happy about having neighbors." and i said to her, "oh, really? neither am i." and stood there. she is butt ugly and she hit every branch when she fell out of the ugly tree. you know, it seems that pear shaped fat women with no tits feel cheated, and are very cranky. her period attracts coyotes, and the coyotes keep eating OUR cats. i pray for her menopause, or at least, privacy fencing.

I owned the property before they ever moved in. I was floored. I never knew this vietnamese pig-looking woman-minus the tusks to be so crabby. This whole event, suprisingly, opened up a friendly discussion about construction of homes. We built our home ourselves, and had Amish people frame it, etc. She remarked about how long it took to build our house. Which pissed me off even more, so I broke the news to her.

"Well, lucky you didn't have that problem, I remember when they delivered your house."

"What?" she replied. "We don't live in a trailer."

"Oh, yes you do. And I'm glad it's a trailer, it keeps my property value down. (which in turn keeps my taxes down) I remember when they delivered it. In two halves, on the back of semis."

Apparently, they paid a pretty good chunk for a double wide trailer, and never knew it.

I enjoyed dropping the bomb.

And, I haven't talked to her since. Byotch.

I heard that she had a sister that was so ugly, even looking at her would turn you to stone. Apparently, somebody cut her head off. Oh, wait, maybe she had the sister that a house fell on. Either way, she could scare a glass of water off of a nightstand. With the personality of a constipated lumber jack.

We live in a small town, and it got back to me that she was trashing me at a boy scout meeting before we ever even moved in. What a loser. People around here don't even really know me, so of course, she was wasting her breath. And, I'm a pretty likable person, I'm pretty nice to everybody anyway. I like living in the country, you only see your neighbors when they or you are stuck in a ditch in the winter or something. I don't really play the he said, she said crap anymore, except when it comes to secretly trashing my demon-in-law. But even then, I haven't talked to her in over a year, so I've run out of fresh material.

GLOBAL WARMING IS HERE

This spring, after many, many, cold and barely summer summers, my husband declared that he was going to start using aerosol cans again to speed up global warming. Well, it worked. It is the hottest freaking summer in such a long time. We planted a garden to save some money, but the cost of having to water it every evening will probably balance out, unless that money tree I planted this year takes off.