MY NEIGHBOR PLANTED TREES NEXT TO OUR SHIT MOUND

it is so hot


it's been pretty mellow here, for fun, we burn ants with magnifying glasses and walk around in the yard in our underwear. this has sparked a silent competition with my really fat neighbor, who, after seeing me in a bikini top, insists on wearing hers too. i am not a runway model by any means, however, my neighbor could scare a glass of water. she's got more cottage cheese on her body than the dairy section of the grocery store. her husband is also nuts.

i have dubbed him the lawnmower man, as he mows over ten acres of grass. he doesn't work, as something fell on his head at work, and judging by his behavior, it hit him pretty freaking hard. he carries a shotgun to his pond and shoots snapping turtles, because they keep eating the neighbor's cats. i also witnessed his son shooting a woodchuck, aka whistlepig, and then beating it repeatedly. afterwards, taking off his shirt and laying in the sun. this is ludicrous behavior. i would imagine him having sexual relations with his kill, putting his johnson in the eyesockets and such. ew.

i remember my first encounter with the neigbors, they were in their yard planting trees between us and them. i walked over to give them a friendly hello, and the woman, "cottage cheese" said to me, "well, we're not too happy about having neighbors." and i said to her, "oh, really? neither am i." and stood there. she is butt ugly and she hit every branch when she fell out of the ugly tree. you know, it seems that pear shaped fat women with no tits feel cheated, and are very cranky. her period attracts coyotes, and the coyotes keep eating OUR cats. i pray for her menopause, or at least, privacy fencing.

I owned the property before they ever moved in. I was floored. I never knew this vietnamese pig-looking woman-minus the tusks to be so crabby. This whole event, suprisingly, opened up a friendly discussion about construction of homes. We built our home ourselves, and had Amish people frame it, etc. She remarked about how long it took to build our house. Which pissed me off even more, so I broke the news to her.

"Well, lucky you didn't have that problem, I remember when they delivered your house."

"What?" she replied. "We don't live in a trailer."

"Oh, yes you do. And I'm glad it's a trailer, it keeps my property value down. (which in turn keeps my taxes down) I remember when they delivered it. In two halves, on the back of semis."

Apparently, they paid a pretty good chunk for a double wide trailer, and never knew it.

I enjoyed dropping the bomb.

And, I haven't talked to her since. Byotch.

I heard that she had a sister that was so ugly, even looking at her would turn you to stone. Apparently, somebody cut her head off. Oh, wait, maybe she had the sister that a house fell on. Either way, she could scare a glass of water off of a nightstand. With the personality of a constipated lumber jack.

We live in a small town, and it got back to me that she was trashing me at a boy scout meeting before we ever even moved in. What a loser. People around here don't even really know me, so of course, she was wasting her breath. And, I'm a pretty likable person, I'm pretty nice to everybody anyway. I like living in the country, you only see your neighbors when they or you are stuck in a ditch in the winter or something. I don't really play the he said, she said crap anymore, except when it comes to secretly trashing my demon-in-law. But even then, I haven't talked to her in over a year, so I've run out of fresh material.