BOTTLED WATER IS BEST

one of my first jobs was working at a mall. i was the clothes putter-awayer. it sucked, but with my wit and charm, i slowly moved my way through the ranks. climbing the corporate ladder to cashier wasn't easy, and i didn't have to sleep my way to almost the top.

my boss was a complete psycho. years later, i have come to the conclusion that her official diagnosis would be "crazier than a shithouse rat."

i very distinctly remember her raving and obsessing about "evian" bottled water. at the time, bottled water was just getting popular. you'd think that she just found the titanic or something. she carried a bottle with her always, and told us lesser employees that we should drink it too. shit, it wasn't water, it was contagious advertising. she made the big mistake of leaving an open bottle in our little dorm size fridge when she went on her break. (probably to buy more evian.)

this girl, jessica, and i decided to pull a switcheroo. when we opened the fridge, we had the exact thought at the exact same time.

it was like a folger's commercial gone awry. "we've secretly replaced robin's evian bottled water with water from the porcelain commode. let's see if she can tell the difference."

yes, we did it. thanks to the chilled temperatures of toilet water, we dumped her water down the drain, and filled the bottle with toilet water. of course, i was elected to put my hand in the pot. watching it fill up as the bubbles from the air pockets in the bottle gurgled to the top was so extremely satisifying. of course, we did this so fast, dried off the bottle, and put it back in the fridge. she returned from her break. it was always so perplexing.

this tofu eating, bottled water guzzling, self professed kama sutra expert used to go to this pretzel place, and get creamed cheese pretzels.

of course, she had her bottle in hand, guzzling it down. we watched. i tried so hard, but i started laughing before she even put it to her lips. she drank. the lip-smacking that followed just brought me to tears. "Ahh. This is so good. Do you want some? What's so funny?"

i had to repeatedly reassure her that jessica and i were previously sharing an inside joke. after a lot of convincing, she turned into the maniacal bitch that we all knew, and she ordered us back to work. it made me not feel so bad about replacing her magical "evian" with toilet water after all.