Hello Everyone

Well, it's been a while since I posted. Time to lighten up. I've got writer's block and a one track mind sometimes. I tell myself, it's just the syndrome.

Hmmm...

One time I went to a football game with my aunt and uncle. It was such a big deal because my cousin was playing for Slippery Rock at the time. I remember eating chili dogs in the sun all afternoon. I don't know what the hell kind of meat it was, but boy. Something bad happened. I could feel the gurgle.

A smell eminating from my orphus was uncontrollably letting itself out. No matter how hard I squeezed the cheeks, it escaped. (I call that the silent but violent fart. You can then blame it on anyone because there is no sound to implicate you.) I knew at this time that a visit to the bathroom was eminent. I tried not to run, but eventually sprinted, probably faster than Carl Lewis on drugs.

I couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough, and when I finally sat down, it's like somebody pulled the cord on an emergency parachute. (I also call that potty spraypainting.)

The smell, sent off for chemical analysis, and still not yet known to this planet was awful. You know it's pretty bad when you can't stand the smell of your own shit.
(I wonder if there's a name for that phenomenon? I mean, not gagging at the smell of your own body smells. Here's a word for that--SELF IMMUNITY)

Thank god I was the only one in there. After I relieved myself, I went to grab the toilet paper. None. I crab walked with my pants around my thighs to every stall, hoping to find a remnant of something. Not even a freaking paper towel. I sat down and looked at my underwear. Well, there weren't any shit stains in them, I didn't want to waste them. Then, I looked at my socks. Dammit. They were new. That crisp clean brand new sock. I took my shoe off, and proceeded to wipe my ass with my new sock. Sitting there trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do, wearing just one sock, I took the other one off and put it in my pocket. Maybe I would need it for later.

Now I find myself buying tube socks. They're longer. Don't try this with peds. You're bound to get shit on your hands.

AND NEVER NEVER NEVER TRY THIS WITH PANTYHOSE. It would have a straining effect, again, your hands smelling like shit.