PINWORMS- the un-itchable itch

i have a friend who used to chew her nails all of the time. i used to tell her what my mother told me, "you're going to get pinworms if you keep feasting on your nails like that."

we used to work at direct care homes, taking care of "mentally challenged" persons. we'd get my clients and her clients together to have tardacues with all of them together. not a good place to be chewing your hands.

one day, i get a phone call.
"hey, does your ass ever itch?"
"sure my ass itches sometimes."
"no, i mean really itch."
"well, yeah, sure."
"no, i mean your ASS-HOLE"
"UM.no. not really. i bet you finally caught pinworms."
"nooooo. how do you know?"
"you have to sneak up on them with a flashlight at night, when your ass starts itching, and you can see them hanging out by your asshole crawling around."
"are you serious?"
"that's what i heard."

and so on and so fourth.

she told her mother, and she asked her mother to call the doctor and tell him that her ass was itching like nuts, but not to tell him that it was HER ass. of course, her mother begins the conversation, "dr. so and so, so and so's rectum has been itching something fierce, and i think she has pinworms." so, the dr. prescribed some DDT or something to that effect, and voila! no more itch. i have a hunch, it was indeed pinworms.

needless to say, my friend doesn't chew her nails anymore. i hear pinworms are an itch that can't be scratched. right on your asshole. ouch.

i'm laughing about my friend's parasites. i actually had bugs once. i had this rash on my hand on the same day i had a date with this guy. i don't remember much of the date, but it ended with a make out session, and that was it. this rash on my hand was so bad, i remember itching it while i was kissing him. of course, i wasn't really into it, but i tried to remain interactive, by touching his face, running fingers through his hair, and holding his hand.

whaddayaknow. my rash got worse, and i finally went to the doctor. i had scabies. my mother used to do foster care, and some new foster children were in our house. apparently, the rash on their faces wasn't from dirt. it was bugs. it starts on your hands, and spreads to your ass, or vice versa. it's the perfect way for bugs to spread. then it just goes from there. everywhere. itching all of the time. it was horrible.

i wonder if that's why i never heard from that guy again. i didn't like him much, but the thought of him scratching his ass violently makes me laugh out loud, even ten years later.