A little bit of everything. (With a twisted sense of humor.) You name it, I take requests.

Friday, April 22, 2005

OH FOR ALLAH'S SAKE

I am so sick of hearing about this crap. I realize that these people were probably minding their own business, but don't they understand why they had to be checked at the border? Until I hear more of the story, I'm going to have to side with customs on this one.

If clowns had hijacked planes, there would be border alert for clowns. (oh shit, I make myself laugh out loud. visualize this, "ok chuckles. take off the nose and step away from the dog balloon.") If it had been smurfs, everybody who is blue would be questioned. (Would that include the "blue men", or just short blue people?) Since it happed to be men of middle eastern origin that decided to hijack planes, well, you do the math.

If it looks like a duck, shits like a duck, and smells like a duck, it's probably a duck.

If you don't have anthing to hide, quit your bitching and hand over your shit so they can search your stuff. I've been questioned at the border between us and canada. My brother even had his car "dumped" and he was searched. Oh well, he survived. (This is the husband of the demon-in-law--see earlier posts. His U.S. border search was probably his last intimate physical contact that he enjoyed.)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

its a what!??? A BLOW UP DOLL????

My husband and I were going for a Sunday drive, yes, even though it's Thursday. We were driving on a vacant road by our house, there are no houses, no electricity, just animals and road. He yells, "Stop, stop. Back up. I think I saw a blow up doll." I'm thinking he's nuts. How the hell could he spot that from the road. I back up and sure enough, a blow up doll. Complete with fake boobs, a suprised look, (open mouth, too.) and apparently anatomically correct. (eww) It apparently was even repaired with some duct tape. He picks it up with his fingertips, and we are laughing our asses off. He hung it on a tree limb, kind of like they do to hubcaps around here, just in case somebody lost it, and is looking for it. Can you visualize that? "Earl, I know that blow up doll blew out the window around here somewhere, keep your eyes peeled."

Friday, April 08, 2005

IS IT JUST COINCIDENCE?

Is it just me, or is it strange that my demon-in-law announces her pregnancy at the same time the pope dies? Hmmmmm..... Be on the lookout for fireballs in the sky. Can you imagine the forecast during the Apocalypse? "Today, spontaneous combustion predicted in the north, while locusts push upward in the south......"

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

THE END MUST BE NEAR.

RUN! THE FOURTH HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE HAS BROKEN THE SEAL!

My demon-in-law riding her horse with her friends.

Yes, the trumpets have sounded, the seven headed beast is loose!

My demon-in-law is having another baby!

Although she is still not speaking to me, my demon-in-law has announced that she is carrying more spawn.

Yes, you heard it here first, Rosemary is having a baby. Oh brother. Does this mean that we all have to chip in and buy her a black bassinette?

Although I pray that this news is just a vicious rumor, (I highly doubt they learned how to get it in the hole AGAIN) I am still going to have to treat this as non-fiction.

Beelzebub has yet again tricked my brother into repoducing himself, proving potentially fatal for him and the rest of the world. The day after she had the first baby, she went home less than 24 hours later, (citing hospital incompetence) bitching that nobody came to visit her, (I did, have pictures) and then called me crying that the baby wouldn't sleep. Whoa. Newsflash for her, babies don't sleep like in the pictures.

She's nuts anyway. I hope she blows up like a hippo in heat. I am no string cheese log, but she has a double chin even when she is emaciated. I love it. The only thing that will make it go away is plastic surgery or standing on her head.

The thought of her copulating disgusts me, and she admitted to me that she doesn't even like sex. She, however, used to email me weird sex photos that she found on the internet. When I asked her to stop, and told her that I was appaled, she thought I was kidding. I'm not really into the porn scene, tasteful is okay, but people shitting on each other and beastiality are out. The thought of somebody not liking sex, but liking to see pictures of other people having sex is a gross paradox. Why on earth do you like porn if you are grossed out by what they are doing? EW. Double sick.

At my daughter's birthday party, she was sitting on my couch, changing her baby's diaper. Mysteriously enough, after she left, a rather conspicuous dildo was found in the cushion. Needless to say, and of course, the kids found it first. They didn't buy the neck massager story that I told them. I think it was hers, I really don't know who it could've belonged to, plus, she was sitting where it was found.

When my brother met her, she was into all of this bisexual shit, (no offense to you if you are bi or other, I am no homophobe) which she tried to be into, I think because she thought it was fashionable or something, not because she really was. I can sniff out a lesbian wannabe in a ten mile radius. (however, that would explain her lack of desire to have sex with my brother)

So, my sister-in-law, (NOT the demon-in-law) has crappy voice mails from the satan-in-law, and we have to figure out how to get them from voice mail to the internet, at which time, the maniacal ravings of my brother and his satanic wife will be posted for all to hear. If anyone knows how to do this off hand, please email me.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Holy Shit. The Pope died.

It came as much as a shock to me as the Schiavo woman in florida.

I FORGOT TO MENTION.... oral sex in water is OKAY

Women get a bad rap with the crotch/fish smell in the crack. For all men in denial that have not smelled their own balls, or, not touched their dick the day after having sex, the smell eminates from your genitalia too. I might add, that the fish smell, is indeed, the result of old sperm. Don't believe me? Pick the condom out of the garbage the day after and take a whiff. Or, as an alternative, pick up the tube sock off of the floor that you jerked off in yesterday. PU!

In which case, oral sex is water is actually good. You are already holding your breath, so you can't smell anything anyway. It also washes most anything away. You can also fake swallow if you are the one underwater, and spit it out while you are still under.

WARNING: The stunt mentioned above should only be attempted by a professional.